April 17, 2006

a very non-knitting post

Okay, so this is a non-knitting post ... I have been debating about whether I should post about this or not but then I realized that I can't censor this just because people I know read it. I want to go through this alone but I need to not think about it so much, thus I am hoping that if I write about it then I can get it off of my chest, at least for a night.

My dad is sick. Many of you know this. He has multiple sclerosis and has for a long time. He is bed ridden. He coughed up something rather gross a week or two ago. The doctors said it could be cancerous (you don't cough up cancer!!)

Anyways ... the issue here is that my dad wishes to actually have cancer. He is done living. He doesn't want to anymore. How horrible he must feel if he is wishing for this. He knows what its like. He watched my grandfather die from it and his best friend. He knows the pain. And yet, he wants it. He wants to be done with this life.

I am extremely sad. And yet I am 1000% supportive of whatever he choses with his life. I have told him that too. Yet a part of me aches to take it all away. I can't. We have been wondering when he was going to give up. Its always "this will be the last Christmas" and yet somehow he pulls through. When I was pregnant with Cameron Dad got a new lease on life. Part of me wants to get pregnant right now in hopes that it gives him something to live for ... but that is for me ... not for him ... I am finding that right now all I want to do is cry.

But I won't ... my mom thinks that I am being too tough, that I'm not allowing myself to 'feel' ... but I am scared to. He is 53 years old. He is so young. He is my dad...

April 10, 2006

wow

How bad is it that I actually had to go read my blog to see what I last posted about?!

And the fact that I don't have pictures yet for you??! Even worse. Well, I do have pictures, but I am too lazy to download them right now.

re: Booty Swap

My recipient was Delly and you can check out the treasure she wracked up from me here!

Knitting:

I joined up with the Sexy Knitters Club and am doing the SomeWhat Cowl in deep red. (see other post for yarn details). Anyways, I am glad that I read about the raglan decreases and the sizing issues. I was having good knitting Karma that day as I was right at the point where the pattern had been adjusted. I've now joined the front and am trying to figure out if I should add some shaping into it.

I also bought some Blue Sky Cotton in dark brown for some sort of tshirt/vest ... am not sure which yet.

Life:

I have started working out with my trainer. I had to take today off as I was sick yesterday (my mom had to come and get cameron so that I could rest for a few hours). I have been averaging between 5 & 7 hours of exercise a week. I am feeling pretty good about it!

Ralph and I are looking at getting a van. Its a 2002 Montana (Pontiac). Its in great shape, one owner and very well looked after. Its funny how much I miss having a van! So I am pretty pumped if the deal goes through. Keep your fingers crossed.

Work is insane. I know that it seems to be a running theme these days but it is. My online time has been slowly dwindling so that I can spend more time knitting when I have the chance. Thus the lack of knitting content. Thank you goes to Pam who reminded me to update!